Saturday, January 21, 2012

Gamer Chicks Are Hot (And Other Gaming Banter)

             Well maybe aside from rocker chicks as well but if you get a combination then you really can't ask for much more. But lets stick with one topic at a time because TOMORROW I think I will get to rocker chicks then maybe on Monday we make a comparison article together. First thing is first though, onto the subject of our topic and into her native habitat.
             The first thing we will try to take a look into is the REALITY vs FANTASY look of these types of girls. They DO exist which is our first great reality but there is an issue with that. Unless you personally KNOW the girl then you probably only speak to her over a gaming service such as PSN or XBL or TeamSpeak, Keystrokes, Macros, etc etc.

Some basic matters to address:

A) Are you even playing with a real girl
B) Does she have the skill she claims to have
C) Is it really that babe, or the elusive land whale

What We Hope For:

What really happens most of the time:
Buzz, your girlfriend, WOOF!
Ahh yes, facepalms for everyone.

Thanks Matt, Thanks Trey
Do you want to see my tits? 5000 gold please.


To dispel our first issue cited at A) typically I follow this rule of thumb, no one who games is a chick until proven otherwise because they belong in the kitchen and not on a console or PC of course, but we allow for the slim chance of it really being who they say they are.
                  I typically just see some slob who is a windowlicking basement dwelling 40 year old who enjoys ponies, pedobears and a general degenerate that plays in that fantasy world of getting some horny 14 year old with hairy knuckles in the hope of getting some side boob for running a 2 hour quest for "HER" and then somehow someway the magical vixen on the other end of the server will fall in love with them or some stupid shit whatever they think could possibly happen. So the first thing you must do is avoid all forms of contact with these kinds but HOW? Easy Answer. Never trust anyone and insult everyone no matter what.

       Typical banter on a daily basis between me and a few mates, and even a few gaming chicks I hang with (yes they do exist but shut up I'm getting my points across):

Get gaped, faggot.
You completely suck at this, faggot
Suck my tiny French cock, faggot.
You should just turn the game off and kill yourself, faggot.
I donkey punched your mom, faggot.


You will notice it's very important to put in question your opponents sexuality with no prior knowledge of their existence in the world until the server got warmed up and started humming.
This is to establish dominance and let whoever is out there know who the man of the room is. It's like love potion number 9 for women, it's like a beacon and you can practically hear the sandwiches being made already.

Quest For Sandwiches

Sandwiches Provided

   Now that the women have started being weeded out from the pansies and from the losers that thought they were tough shit and now are just jerking off with their own tears, let's get down to business. Typically what you should be left with at this point is the alpha gamer chicks, which is where the good ones come out and play and hopefully stay. But there is an important fact you must know and it is absolutely essential you follow the next pieces of etiquette to stay Alpha as Fuck.

    Don't be a wanker and fall all over yourself, and DON'T expect her to magically fall in love or do anything to make yourself look more like an idiot than you already are in reality. Be cool.
    The entire point of this quest was to find the elusive gamer chick and add her to your friends list, NOT to be a fucking romeo, douchebag.
    My personal favorite type of gaming chick is as follows and I personally know about 4 or 5 off the top of my head. They actually all hold some skill even besides just the ability to clean clothes and be in a kitchen. I'll provide 3 quick references to help you keep on track and to build your online harem.

Type A: Most Common & Not Able To Kick My Ass @ Halo
This is the type that most of us will know because our buds already have brought her around to our homes / apartements / lofts / etc. She has a general knowledge of a console or two and maybe even has a few keyboard and mouse games under her belt but most likely has kept her collection to the basics of Mario, Tetris, Burnout and a handful of games on the Wii & Kinect using herself as a controller at times which can be both fun & frustrating. You have to explain what a bumper button is and teach her how to change the input on the tv to get to said gaming console after she turns it on, but she is not ready to take on FPS's.

Type B: Less Common & Typically Most Fun To Game With
 This is where things start to get interesting with this type. She notices the difference between the console graphics and can tell you where the secret passages in Doom are and knows the Konami code. She knows how to sync up the controller and even has a few games of her own and possibly even a console at her place & yours. You can go questing with her or you can start a campaign and you still will generally take point because you've done this before, but you know that when it comes down to it, she can rescue you with a health pack and not let you bleed out alone & afraid.

Type C: The Most Dangerous & Insane
 This is the most dangerous type known to man. She can active reload and knows every corner of a race and knows how to boost off the line and which weapon will get the most effective Kill:Death ratio. She is one of us, and that is dangerous. Not only will she be on the console when you got home from the bar with your mates, she will challenge you AND win to just about any game of your choosing and when you lose she makes YOU bring her a sandwich. I have gamed with this kind a few times before and they take it personal when they noticed you took them out in a race or you corpsehumped her earlier that week. They are great to have on your side but be careful as they are also just as easily psychotic as they are hot. I've seen what happens when girls get into games against each other when they are like this. I have even taken off my mic a few times because the screaming was just too much to bear. The best ones like this stay silent most of the time until the end of the first match. At this point they speak and the entire room explodes when they realize they all lost to a girl.

Fake: Women During This Time Had Smaller Tits, FACT.

        I have seen some shit and done some things, but keeping to my guns their are gaming girls out there, but I digress because they are still small in numbers in the first place.
        I'd say out of 100% only about 30% even game in the first place, as most girls hate video games/ they are stupid/ they don't get it/ won't waste their time, and most commonly in my opinion just plain suck at them, we get frustrated and send them back to the sandwiches and their baby making tasks they are so good at.
       PS: Don't bring your babies to game night if you have one girls, they will end up drunk and cursing off other babies online and possibly be reported for slander.

           So to this I tip my hat to you, the gamer chicks out there, as you are few and far between in the first place and we can always game together as long as my thumbs are still attached and working. Remember though the internet is a rough place for anyone, if you are TYPE C you can take care of yourself and we might get along the best because you will rip into the opponents with me and possibly have a hell of a time laughing at the discontent of all the newbs out there.
          Know this, I will not be calling you up to go out on a date. I will friend zone you because some things are worth much more than casual sex to me, and a gaming partner is up there. The other types also are incredibly fun to hang out with a spend time with, but remember to stay classy and keep the nastyness for the circle of death, the placement on the race line and banter for the microphone. So try to keep it in your pants ladies and contain your orgasms, but look me up online for the following networks:

X-Box/Windows Live: Lepreemo
PSN: Lepreemo

You know where to find me, no excuses anymore. Let's Game It On.
Until Next Time,

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